When I was small child I listened to a lot of Raffi. When I say a lot I mean like I wore out more than one Raffi tape and I was rock-n-rollin to Raffi until I was at least 11 years old. Ok who am I kidding I still love Raffi! I think I was embarrassed or something about music. The music I felt comfortable requesting was my kiddie music that was of course for me because, no shit, I was a kid. I have always really loved music of all types, but when was little I thought that listening to my parents music*(which I loved then and even more now) was something I had to hide. I was a weirdo I got embarrassed about a lot of stupid things from the ages 11-14!
I remember I used to sneak one of my mom's Beatles tapes, and listen to the whole thing every night as I lay "sleeping" in bed. I think back now and can't believe how strange that was, I didn't want my parents to know that I liked music or that my tastes were changing...that I was changing. I was embarrassed that I was growing up and that Raffi, though I still loved aaaples and bininis, was not cutting it anymore. Who knows maybe it was because I was the oldest, or maybe it was because even though parts of me had always been very adult other parts were so childish. I was still deathly afraid of the dark, and I would still pull the "whole I am asleep on the couch" bit so that my dad would carry me up to bed???
That was a weird time for me and I am sure I am not alone, but while other kids went through a gradual progression of weirdness into adulthood I hid those changes. I never liked New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys, Brittney, or NSync. I never got super big into the hip fashion trends of the 90's, nor did I run around obsessing over boys and trying to impress them. All of the stuff I was "supposed" to being doing embarrassed me because I think I always knew that stuff was "just a phase" and it would not matter when I “grew up”. I missed a lot of typical tween stuff by being an independently minded, tomboy, embarrassed first child.
I have never been one for the in-between stuff. I either wanted to be carried to bed by my dad or living in my own apartment, I either wanted to be childish or adultish. I never wanted to be in the middle and I never liked all that mucky ucky shit that comes with a transitional time (just ask my parents I was a strange and mean creature during those years). I, in a way, think that this is kind of how the post colligate 20 something years have been proving to be. I feel stuck in the middle and I do not like it at all!
I am embarrassed to say that I want to settle down, and uncomfortable partying every night. I have so many things I still want to accomplish, but I am sitting in a cubical. I am confused on what path to take, yet smart enough to know it will all work out for the best. When does it get worked out? When will it be the best? I am an old soul with a heart for adventure. I don't like to be bogged down with what I am "supposed" to be doing, it is not who I am. I am too “wise” to get fully caught up in 20 something supposed-to-be, but too chicken to fully break away and do what I want. Because though I never went to a NKOB concert, kissed a boy on the playground, owned a NSync CD, or made out at the “clubhouse” I was there and, I watched everyone get submerged in it all.
And so for now, I am once again in-between who I was and who I know I will be. I 'm here now and watching it all, but this time I am going to just have to make the best of it because stomping around and calling my mom a bitch just is not really that cool anymore (never really was)!
* These are a couple of songs I used to feel overly passionate about but too embarrassed to enjoy them with the people who introduced them to me. Great taste for an eleven year old might I add! I am not too embarrassed now... look em up, listen, enjoy for the rest of your life if not doing so already!
This Ol' House of Ours- Crosby Stills Nash and Young
Come Together- Beatles
All Along the Watch Tower- Hendrix
Bobby McGee- Janis
Yesterday- Beatles
Down by the River- Neil Young
